Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.