me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.