I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]