*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
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I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?