Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
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Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops