Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
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[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao