*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
You Might Also Like
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Nice try, poison.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.