[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
You Might Also Like
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Nigella has gone too far this time.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.