My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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The old gods are rising again.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]