Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No