Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
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Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
S/o to @funTweeters .
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
this was the best i’ve ever seen
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July