I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
A Short Story.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?