Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery