You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
being a writer on Twitter:
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.