“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
dutch is not a serious language
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Bond. Trauma bond.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
You got this…
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat