the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
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embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.