I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Buying a well is money well spent.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform