[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
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I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*