[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐