Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
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[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?