My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog