My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
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therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
A ghost story
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.