I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
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What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Never let them know your next move 😂
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times