Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
crochet youtube is brutal
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Covid like
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
This sounds bad: