My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.