Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Same post same
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
monday
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
crochet youtube is brutal
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”