My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
😂😂😂
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites