Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade