This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Friday
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.