I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.