I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Happy Friday
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’m about to risk it all
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it