When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
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just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
(Jupiter –
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up