[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.