The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
When life hands you women, make women laid.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.