[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
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wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
How to properly lift a body
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
you gotta be faster
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics