Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top