Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
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Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Every work call, he judges.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The “baby” on the left….
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.