I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches