Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.