I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
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I gave up going to work for lent.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken