“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
doing your own taxes
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist