My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
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cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The three genders
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.