Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
man: wait
time: no
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.