(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
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Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Herpes is trending, good job people
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”