Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
You Might Also Like
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
gentlemen, hear me out
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.