My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.