Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.