“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Just had my nails done!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*