for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
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[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
getting old is fun
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.