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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Safety first
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Geez man, take it easy.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays